Journey to the Gates of Heaven

One week after getting 2 positive pregnancy tests, I had some bad cramps and then a day later started a very heavy period. I never got the chance to go to the doctor to confirm being pregnant, but we believe that I was and that I miscarried. I know that life did not belong to me. It belonged to the Lord and was his to take. So we were sad for a day or two, but didn't have much trouble with accepting and being okay with what had happened. Shortly after this happened I had a dream about it. I opened my eyes to see two figures standing over my bed. It was dark and I couldn't quite make out who was standing there looking down at me. There was a light that was fading in and out. I was frightened at first, until the two figures moved forward in to the shining light. I only got a short glimpse of the figures as the light came up and faded out again. Though I could not see much, it was enough to realize who stood before me. No words were ever exchanged, but all of my initial fears were removed as the Holy Spirit within me revealed that these were angels sent from the Lord. I looked down and noticed a pack around my waist. Somehow I knew this pack held and protected the soul of my unborn child. At that time I realized that I was sleeping. I sat up and left my body behind. As I took a hold of the pack and stood up, the two figures turned and faced the wall of my bedroom. The wall opened up to reveal a very long hallway that extended from my room. As the angels left and began moving down this hallway I knew I was to follow. Though no words were ever exchanged between myself and these two heavenly creatures, I knew exactly why they had come to me. They were sent by the Lord to guide me in taking my child to gates of Heaven. And so I left my bedroom behind as I began to follow the angels down this seemingly never ending hallway. The further we walked the brighter the light fading in and out became. Each time the light came up I got a look at the creatures guiding me. Walking behind them I couldn't see much other than their wings that swayed back and forth with every step. They were large, extending from their backs and reaching almost to the floor. I never did get a good look at the front of their bodies or at their faces. I held on tightly to my little pack as we continued walking. When we reached the end of the hallway we turned the corner. There to the right was a set of double doors. As they opened automatically the two angels stepped into what looked like a large elevator. It was dark inside. I followed, still holding tightly the pack around my waist that held my child. The doors closed behind me. We went down, over, and then traveled upward for a while. This was obviously no ordinary elevator. As it came to a stop, the doors opened and the two angels parted. The held out their arms out pointing the way for me. This was the part of the journey I was to complete on my own. I stepped off of the elevator into a magnificent room with dim lighting, vaulted ceilings, several large columns, and many doors. Across the room I saw a figure much larger that the two who had led me to this place. It's wings were massive, open, and extended towards the heavens. One would think that I might have been frightened, but I was not. My soul felt nothing but peace. The holy spirit within me led across the room towards this figure. I then knew what I was there to do. The angel held out his arms. I took the pack from around my waist. I said goodbye as I handed it over to the angel before me. I had a very brief moment of sadness that was quickly abolished by great feelings of peace, love for my child, and great joy in knowing that my baby would soon be in the arms of Jesus. The angel held tightly to my little pack. He wrapped his mighty wings around his body to cover and protect the pack. I smiled knowing that my journey was coming to an end. I walked back across the room to where I had stepped off the elevator. The double doors appeared and opened. I stepped back on to the elevator where the angel guides were waiting for me. The doors closed slowly behind me. I turned just in time to see a very bright light coming from an overhead doorway. It shone down on the angel. I somehow knew the gates of Heaven were on the other side. With his wings still wrapped around my little pack, he spread out a second pair of wings. There was a great rush of wind as he lifted himself up toward the light. The doors closed and the elevator began to move. I closed my eyes, and the next thing I know I was back in my bedroom. I saw my body still laying there in the bed. I laid back down and went to sleep. Then I awoke with a pleasant, peaceful, calm feeling in my heart that could only have come from Lord. Someday in Heaven, I will meet my little baby. Of this I am sure.

Glory Baby

A couple of months ago I miscarried. I had taken tests at home and got two positive results. We had not had a chance to go to the doctor to confirm, and then a week later I had some bad cramping followed by a very heavy period. When I took the first test it was a surprise. We were not ready for a baby and did not plan for that to happen, but we decided to be excited about it! We knew we just needed to trust the Lord and rely on His provision for our family. When this happened I was only about a month and a half along. Just the night before Leonard and I were laying in the bed looking through a list of baby names we both liked. Naturally, we were a little disappointed. We were sad about it, but we knew it was for the best because we were not ready for another baby yet. We put it in to the Lord's hands. After all, the little life belonged to Him anyway, not to us. We have a child in Heaven that we will someday meet. That alone in comforting. It reminds me of the song "Glory Baby" by Watermark. The Song says, "You were growing, what happened dear? You disappeared on us baby...baby. Heaven will hold you before we do, Heaven will keep you safe until we're home with you... Until we're home with you... (Chorus)Miss you everyday, Miss you in every way, But we know there's a Day when we will hold you, We will hold you. You'll kiss our tears away. When we're home to stay. Can't wait for the day when we will see you, We will see you. But baby let sweet Jesus hold you 'till mom and dad can hold you... You'll just have heaven before we do. You'll just have heaven before we do. Sweet little babies, it's hard to Understand it 'cause we're hurting, We are hurting. But there is healing, And we know we're stronger people through the growing And in knowing- That all things work together for our good And God works His purposes just like He said He would... Just like He said He would... (repeat chorus)BRIDGE: I can't imagine heaven's lullabies And what they must sound like. But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home, And it's all you'll ever know...all you'll ever know." Then to comfort me even more so, I had a dream that I carried my baby to the gates of Heaven. (which you can read in my next post). You know, I always thought if this ever happened to me I would be sad and depressed for a long time. I know many women experience depression following a miscarriage, and I think that is completely understandable. I also know that I'm glad I didn't go through that. It feels so good when I am able to just give something up to the Lord, fully trust in Him and rest in knowing that He is Sovereign.

Thinking of Mary

Last year was my first Christmas as a mother. It was the first year that I truly experienced Christmas through the eyes of Mary. Throughout the Christmas season I thought about her often. What was it like being the mother of Jesus? I can't even imagine what she must have felt ...from the time the angel appeared to her, to the birth in the stable, all the way to his death on the cross and seeing him resurrected. This year, again, I find myself thinking of her. Today I listened to audio recordings taken from Shawn Small's book Via Advent (You can find these at IrvingBible.org if you are interested). In one of the recordings I listened to it talked about how Mary waited for Joseph to come and get her and take her home to be his wife. It said that the bride did not know when the bridegroom would come. Curious about the marriage customs during this time, I did some reading. One of the articles I read can be found here... http://www.bibleistrue.com/qna/qna22.htm. Another recording talked about Joseph as he prepared the room for him and Mary to live in at his father's house. He was excited as he thought about the upcoming wedding celebration and about bringing Mary home to be his wife. It made me think back to being engaged. What a great time in my life! Preparing to be a bride is so exciting! During Mary and Joseph's betrothal is when an angel appeared to Mary to tell her that she was to become pregnant with the son of the Most High. I'm sure that's not what she had been planning for and dreaming of. But she was the Lord's servant and said to the angel "May it be to me as you have said." (Luke 1:38 NIV). My heart is heavy as I think about how she must have felt. God's people had been awaiting the coming of the Messiah, but did no one ever imagined that He would come as a baby. How would it feel to know that over all other women you were chosen to bear God's son? I wonder, "Who is this woman and what did she do to find such favor with the Lord?" How would it all effect her relationship with Joseph and their plans to be married? And yet, she surrendered to the Father's plan for her life. I am reminded of how sometimes in life we have to surrender the plans we have made for ourselves to the Lord and do what He has called us to do. We have to put all trust in Him. Mary had great faith and put her trust in the Lord. Being a mother is such a great responsibility. You have to take care for your child, provide for them, love them and teach them to love others. I imagine that just as this was a blessing to Mary, it was also at times a heavy weight to carry. She was going to be the mother of the son of God, the Messiah, the King of Kings. There is a song that Faith Hill sings called "A Baby Changes Everything." I cried the first time I heard this song.. and the second time, and the third! The song says: "Teenage girl, much too young, Unprepared for what's to come. A baby changes everything. Not a ring on her hand. All her dreams and all her plans, A baby changes everything. A baby changes everything! The man she loves, she's never touched. How will she keep his trust? A baby changes everything. A baby changes everything! And she cries! Ooh, she cries Ooh, oh She has to leave, go far away, Heaven knows she can't stay! A baby changes everything. She can feel it's coming soon. There's no place, there's no room A baby changes everything! A baby changes everything. And she cries! And she cries! Oh, she cries Shepherds all gather 'round. Up above the star shines down! A baby changes everything Choir of angels sing, Glory to the newborn King. A baby changes everything, A baby changes everything Everything, everything, everything Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah My whole life has turned around. I was lost but now I'm found! A baby changes everything, yeah A baby changes everything" And He did. That baby changed everything! I love this song. Two other songs that talk about Mary are the famous "Mary Did You Know?" and "Breathe of Heaven" by Amy Grant. The songs says, "I have traveled many moonless nights Cold and weary with a babe inside And I wonder what I've done Holy Father, You have come And chosen me now to carry Your Son I am waiting in a silent prayer I am frightened by the load I bear In a world as cold as stone Must I walk this path alone? Be with me now, be with me now Breath of Heaven, hold me together Be forever near me, breath of Heaven Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness Pour over me Your holiness for You are holy Breath of Heaven Do you wonder as you watch my face If a wiser one should have had my place? But I offer all I am For the mercy of Your plan Help me be strong, help me be, help me Breath of Heaven, hold me together Be forever near me, breath of Heaven Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness Pour over me Your holiness for You are holy Breath of Heaven, hold me together Be forever near me, breath of Heaven Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness Pour over me Your holiness for You are holy Breath of Heaven, breath of Heaven Breath of Heaven" Both of these songs really just put me in Mary's shoes. Again, I imagine how she must have felt. Oh dear Mary.

Advent

I'm not really sure where to start off with this blog. Do I share my testimony? Do I post about my journey up until now? I think I would like to come back to those things at some point, but for now I just need to write out what is currently on my mind. For those who read my Facebook posts, you have probably seen my posts about Advent. Today I posted the following... Growing up in a Baptist church, I did not know what Advent was until Leonard and I starting going to IBC. Advent is a season of Expecting, Preparing, Rejoicing and Accepting. Beginning four Sundays prior to Christmas and ending on Christmas Eve, Advent prepares us for the coming arrival or “advent” of the Christ child at Christmas. The first Sunday of Advent also marks the beginning of the Church calendar year. We can think of it as the Church’s “New Year’s Day.” “Via Advent” by Shawn Small is a book of daily readings to use as a guide through the Advent season. This is a great resource to read each night individually or with your family as you journey through the four weeks of Advent. (taken from irvingbible.org) I don't actually have the book, but I have been reading the daily devotionals taken from the book from IBC's website. Tonight I noticed that there is a recording that goes with each one. I'm not much for reading, but after listening to the recordings I want the book. They really make the story come alive. Walking through the season of Advent has been meaningful. It makes me think about what took place leading up to the birth of Jesus, and how so many had awaited the coming of the Messiah. It just reminds me of what I should be focused on during the Christmas season. It reminds me of why we celebrate Christmas. More than anything, it makes me think of how we are now also awaiting the coming of the Messiah. I stand before the Father who created me. I stand before the Son who purchased me. I stand before the Spirit that cleansed me. Blessed Trinity, help me understand Your Advent. You can listen to the audio recordings take from the book starting with Ch. 1 here...http://www.irvingbible.org/special-sections/advent/post/article/the-great-silence/ Just click where it says "Via Advent Audio" at the bottom of the page. And so as the Advent season is coming to an end, and we are nearing Christmas Day, I will be posting some of the feelings I've had during Advent as I have been reading these daily devotionals.

Being Vulnerable

I have so much stored up inside of me. Sometimes I share, but only with those closest to me, like my husband, Leonard, or my best friends, Angela and Jeremy. Sharing with others outside of my circle would require vulnerability, which is not one of my strengths. I think I often care too much about what people will think or say. Recently I find myself lying awake at night consumed by my thoughts. Some of them deep...others random. Today I thought to myself, "I need an outlet." So here I am, attempting once again to blog. This is mostly for me to be able to express myself, but I thought I would be vulnerable and write for the rest of the world to see the real me. I'm not the best at putting my thoughts into words, but I will do my best. Here you may find things that I would not normally share. Some of my deepest thoughts and feelings. You may find things that I won't talk about face to face. You may find me discussing topics I am passionate about. More than anything, I would like to be vulnerable and share with the world my testimony, who Jesus is to me, where my walk with Him has taken me, and what He is doing in my life right now. And so I found it fitting to call this blog "A Window Into My Soul."